8 years ago I was in a real struggle.
We were nearly 2 years into a long battle with not being able to get pregnant. Everyone else was getting pregnant. Some who didn’t want to or mean to. Doctors didn’t really have an answer it was just “one of those things”. I was not going anywhere with my career despite the fact I had great dreams. And over and over, my character was being called into question. This particular night I had felt wronged and let down by a close friend. Whether I had actually been let down was irrelevant – I felt it. I sat on the end of my bed and sobbed. Big, hearty sobs. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Angry.
“I am absolutely done with you God. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want you anymore. If I do something good – you get the praise. If something goes wrong – I get the blame. I am done! I am done with this ‘character’ building”.
It wasn’t a pretty moment in my life. But it was a real moment. And at that time, at complete breaking point; I broke.
My wife was sitting with me and she said that she felt that God had a picture for me. God showed me a picture of an oak tree. On its own. Big and strong and fully grown. There was a storm rolling in and the tree was hardly moving. Totally secure. Not worried in the slightest.
“What is this a picture of? Is it me?”
“No. It is your son. I have asked a lot of you and placed you to fight many battles, so that your son will not have to fight them”.
That word from God broke me even more. Telling my wife about our son – the one we cannot conceive. That he will be a man of God.
The fight suddenly became worth it. The battle had a reward. The scars had a story. My life had a legacy.
A moment that I came within a breath of leaving the things of God behind me, became a moment that solidified my legacy.
Many men have lost the fight. Either given up half way because it was too hard. Or shied away before it hit because they knew they would not manage it.
Many men, and it was a characteristic that I adopted, brush things under the carpet. Hurts. Wounds. Anger. Offence. Grief. The trouble with doing that is that you end up with a very bumpy carpet. And one day will start to trip over that bumpy carpet. The hurt starts to hurt again. The pain returns. The anger flows. Seek help. Please. For the sake of the people around you and the legacy you will leave them. Help can come from counselling, ministry, therapy and many other forms. You are never too old to find freedom because what a beautiful legacy it would be to leave your future generations: the ability to fight for freedom.